“Anyone who disagrees with the Southern Poverty Lefist Center’s stance on tolerance is clearly the enemy, and should be snubbed, sued, jailed, branded, disfranchised, and possibly beaten for good measure,” said Benesonanas Pedo, SPLC Director, during the opening comments of Tuesday evenings SPLC fund-raising dinner and costume party.
“Because the Southern Poverty Leftist Center decides what is true, and protectively guards this until a better “truth” comes along – why should people waste time thinking, when we’ve already done it for them?” Mr. Pedo asked, thumping the lectern dramatically. “We’ve literally spent countless hours creating humanist propaganda, crafting lies, and distorting reality so that people can be free to have empty, meaningless lives based on Secularist ideals.”
The Southern Poverty Leftist Center, who once again hosted their yearly event in downtown Washington D.C., reported that this year’s meeting drew a record number of United Nations officials, Washington big-wigs, and wealthy Progressives who pledged full support for the SPLC’s latest “Tolerance” initiative. However, what was really the talk of the town was the addition of the theme “Egalitarian Enlightenment”, which encouraged many attendees to arrive in exquisite costumes portraying such characters as Karl Marx, the French Revolution’s goddess of “Reason”, and the Eugenics/Planned Parenthood hero of Margaret Sanger. Mr. Pedo himself, along with many SPLC officials, were dressed in sharp-looking black uniforms – complete with polished black boots and red “SPLC” armbands.
“We will continue working with the Federal Government in rolling out even more SPLC materials in Public Schools, and make use high-level friends in Leftist teacher unions to pressure their co-workers to comply.” Pedo stated to a carefully selected group of mainstream reporters in a short break before dinner. “As for the rest of the population who can’t be brainwashed through public school, we’ll be sure to leverage our views through the use of hand-picked lawyers, Judges, and Politicians who are Homosexual Socialists who enjoy listening to the Beatles.” He said with a wink.
Afterwards, dinner itself consisted of a large vat in the middle of the room, entitled “The American Melting Pot”, where self-serve spigots dispensed a thick gray pudding. After an hour of delighted slurping and slopping from the guests, Mr. Pedo revealed that a key ingredient of the meal was “Soylent Green” – which immediately prompted knowing smiles from UN officials and State Senators throughout the crowd.
Finishing the evening, entertainment entailed Jackie DeShannon’s “Put a Little Love in Your Heart”, which expertly accompanied a video montage of the horrors of bigotry amongst kittens, the disturbing problem of mustard’s intolerance to ketchup, and birds suspected of domestic terrorism from their connection to the “right-wing”.